The E R Place Counseling Blog
Have you ever driven somewhere that you've gone multiple times and once you arrived you realized that you don't remember anything about the drive itself?You were basically on autopilot and your mind had shut off from all other possibilities. Many of us suffer with this malady in other situations but don't notice. We go through our normal daily routines with few variations. We get up, turn on the coffee pot, get the kids off to their destination or let the dog out. We go through these steps in the exact same manner as we've always done them and things seldom stray too far from the norm. As a result, our minds are asleep and not open to new possibilities, different options, or new challenges. We are in a rut. This rut affects our ability to set and reach new goals. It inhibits our vision for ourselves and confines our thinking. We are trapped in our zombie-ish state. Neither asleep nor fully awake.
It is true that I've counseled a number of couples regarding finances in their marriage due to the fact that money is so often a sore spot for couples. I've certainly even agreed with some couples that things would work out best if they kept certain aspects of their finances separate. But the truth is that this negates the very idea of marital partnership in a sense. A foundational principle in marriage is trust. That has become distorted over time and in have pranced ideas such as prenups and separate bank accounts. However, what happened to the vow that "with all my worldly goods I do endow".
I do understand that not every spouse is fiscally responsible and partners won't always agree to how funds should be allocated. Sometimes couples are polar opposites in their spending habits. Money could just be a symbol of other trust issues that exist in the relationship. That's where speaking with a good financial advisor and seeking the help of marriage therapy can be helpful. The idea isn't to avoid the issues that test the trust in a marriage, such as money, but to face them head on and seek the needed assistance when necessary.
Tiwana Bell, LCSW
I had tried to reach my personal goals more times than I could count. However, things just kept getting in the way. It would be business concerns that needed my attention, or the kids had a recital or groceries needed to be bought.... always Something. So finally, I just felt like I should give up. Maybe I was never meant to run a marathon or learn to flip houses or cruise through Europe. Hey, you can't have everything. But then something inside just wouldn't let me give it all up. I had to finally learn to do three things.
I first learned to compromise a little. So instead of a full marathon, I'd start with a 5K run. Instead of Europe, I'd start with the Caribbean, which was much closer and so I could actually go more often. Next I had to learn that there are some things I can do now and others that will have to wait until I get at least one of my two children in college and moderately self sufficient. The third thing I had to learn (and the hardest for me) was to ask for help. When there was an emergency at the office, I needed to rely on my partner more, someone else would have to pick up the kids sometimes and groceries can be ordered (did you know that? a Godsend).
So I haven't given up, I'm pressing on to the finish line of many of my goals, difficulties withstanding and expect only the best.